Gaudy Pledges

I was on podium today, organizing and seating residents. Mrs J walked in with her usual saunter, sporting a gauche sequined vest with American flags all over it. Sure. Rock the vest, it's made its way back into fashion and can be most agreeable when the need to complete an outfit arrives. But on her ears lurked the most garish pair of earrings I have ever seen. They were the size of small bottles of perfume. Seeming to be entirely constructed out of tiny fake jewels, the gigantic and glittering word VOTE jammed its way into my eyes and through to my brain, causing a most bilious feeling to churn it with the threat of headache. Not only did they command the population to VOTE, but the word rested on unending piles of American flags and other patriotic paraphernalia somehow assembled into earrings that hung from her ears like a stubborn fish bursting to be released back into the ocean. I questioned at this point whether it's possible to have artificial ears, because were I to don the earrings, my ears would be ripped apart straightaway. You think I'm done with this story. I'm not. She actually asked me, in a most childish-flirty, attention-seeking sort of way, "d'you like my earrings??" fanning them in front of my face to increase my building brainache. I screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! in my head, very rudely. Aloud, I was ever so gracious in telling her I adored them, with a charming smile worthy of Harry Potter himself. I had a feeling I wasn't the only lucky one to be asked. She sauntered off in the direction I did not tell her to go, toward a table belonging to a server who was already busy, satisfied at convincing yet another pour soul to quench her hunger for flattering lies. 

Hey, you know me. I have no problem with voting, I voted today, and I LOVE gaudy things. I just changed my profile picture to one of me in my leopard hat and heart sunglasses for gaudy's sake (I just arrived back from a late night bike ride and decided to wear my utmost freakish hat and my glasses of equal oddity). But not when it gives people headaches. I'm a firm believer in NO-HEADACHES=BRILLIANT. I'm a firm believer in UGLY and GAUDY CLOTHES/ACCESSORIES=INNER LAUGHS AT WHAT PEOPLE MUST BE THINKING. 

Anywho, there was a birthday party in the PDR (private dining room) and I ended up taking it. The table in there is a gorgeous mahogany, stretching across toward both ends of the room. We don't use tablecloths in there... we use Pledge, and wipe it silly. So when they left (happy birthday, Mrs M!) I brought out the Pledge and I got to work. Whenever I'm alone I get the greatest and the dumbest ideas. And so, with orangey Pledge fumes occupying my nose, I sprayed a huge "F YOU TOO" to no one in particular. Then I adorned it with hearts. It pleased me a great deal to stand back and look at that beautiful table, innocent but majestic, with the words F YOU TOO tagged on top. The hearts gave it a certain charisma. When my laugh was over and it came time to wipe it off, there ended up being a slight white-ish outline of the words once wiped. This made me laugh even more, because my luck often tries clever tricks like this. Laughing and panicking, I sprayed more Pledge. I scrubbed it till it glowed with no more words, and the shiny table looked up at me with majesty once more. I wonder what other people have written with the Pledge, or if I'm the only imbecile who has done such a foolish thing?