I think that everyone is a little afraid of not being wanted. Even people who don't say that, people who deny it. People who pride themselves in not caring whether people want them. There is a difference, of course, between caring what people think and caring about whether they want you, whether you are valuable to someone. Because as I do not care what people think, I care a great deal about being valuable. A person can think I am off-the-wall insane but still want me. That is what I mean... whereas there is a great percentage of the world that cares about being called crazy or ugly or stupid. I know that I am none of those things. But the way it affects my mind when someone makes me feel like I'm not important, well, someone I care about, is intensely painful. I don't always address it right away, I normally just feel it. It's like a pressure on my mind, eating thoughts at my conscience. Then later on I address the fact that part of the reason I feel like shit is because I feel like I don't matter to someone and that I won't matter to anyone, ever, as much as I want to matter. I guess it's just this thought that expands in my head, chanting to me, over and over, "that person doesn't exist. Maybe you aren't meant for that. You aren't meant to be loved by someone you love too. You aren't meant to be loved exclusively...."
But I also think about how good I am at loving. I think that I sacrifice a lot for people that I care about, but thinking about loving someone exclusively for the rest of my life seems impossible.
6 comments:
maybe it's hard for you to imagine loving someone exclusively for the rest of your life (and trust me, I can empathize), but never forget that you deserve to be loved, because you do.
it's unfortunate you feel unimportant or unwanted, but don't kid yourself that it'll always be that way. I went through a loooooong miserable phase thinking like you're thinking, from what I gathered. good things will come, I promise you.
You are right, your notebook entries aren't the happy go lucky things some people may expect.
I like this insight into Janet's soul however.
Allow yourself to be happy. Organically, naturally, absolutely happy.
I quote a favorite musician of mine, Amber Rubarth, from her song Novacaine. (I highly recommend you listen to it immediately and soak in every word):
"There's one more thing to do
And I think it might cure you.
Write down every single way
You loved the one that you knew.
Then love yourself in that same way
And in no time you'll be brand new."
tringla = the tingle you feel when standing in a triangle. (feminine conjugation)
I haven't know you very long. But I can honestly say you are one of the most unique individuals I've ever met. Living in a city brimming with people 'in the industry' who all seem to be cloned from the same shallow, superficial prototype, I can only wish there were more people here as genuine, funny and all-around likable as you. Our friendship thusfar may not consist of much more than a series of three-hour-long, tongue-in-cheek, insult-laden, midnight facebook conversations, but it has been a pleasure sharing them with you... slut. I don't know who has made you feel unimportant (although I can venture a guess), but anyone lucky enough to win your affection and take it for granted is clearly a fool. You are undoubtedly meant to be loved by someone you love, and you will be. By someone willing to sacrifice for just as much for you as you would for them, and more. Believe it or not, your Samwise Gamgee does indeed exist. Haha. But give it time, kid. I mean you've only been able to drink legally for a couple of months now, after all. 'Miserable' should not even be in your vocabulary. There ain't a man alive who deserves your tears, other than perhaps your dad and gramps. Remember that. You've got so much more going for you than you even realize. So chin up, Jandroid. You're one of a kind... and if this has been a bit too much, I apologize. But don't worry, I still think you're a whore :)
i missed this blog but im glad i found it and janny baby, i couldnt have said it better myself.
its nice to re read things because you might have a new take on them. their meaning never changes until you change, until your perspective changes. i hope you can reflect on this a long time from now.
thanks gina, for reminding me of this post because you are right. it's awesome to find yourself changed when you suddenly see that new perspective... exceptional point! i love everyone who commented on here, and i love all their thoughts. i hope you are doing well, really i do. i hope i run into you soon.
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